Isn't it just? O-ho-ho-ho!

Brief synopsis of my year so far

-I start Jan 1st of with a bang by discovering my best friend is a raging homo, he comes out to me, drunkenly, over webcam, then proceeds to tell me that he'd love to be anally stimulated by me and then throws up all over his laptop. Was funny as hell.

-Jan 1st 17:00, friend finally gets waken up by his da, and remembers everything he said to me the previous night. Since we are nakama and shit I swear to myself that I will keep a very close eye on him till I see him in a happy relationship.

-Jan 7th, I go back to Glasgow for Spring term of uni and then up to Aberdeen where me and the girl I love lose our virginity to eachother in a forest. A forest in winter in the NORTH OF SCOTLAND. Man am I hardcore! (This is a prime example of bluster as a defense mechanism kids). Sex is overrated, this was not the best time I'd ever spent with her, and not just because I did it without protection (Woops...) and my heart was pounding like an anvil while she was at Boots getting the morning after pill the next morning.

-Sometime in January, I get introduced to the marvelous works of Alan Moore and this resparks my general interests in literature, I literally plough through the comics after that.

-Feb 2nd, I go up to Aberdeen again, we spend a lot of time together again, we have sex again. At this point I start to think maybe I'm trying a little too hard here. I resolve next time I meet her to discuss this with her. We make plans on her sneaking down half the country on Valentines day to spend the night with me.

-Feb 13th, I go to sleep with a horrible horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. Something will go wrong, it's bound to.

Valentines Day: I wake up late feeling ill. I get in contact with my girlfriend and finalize preparations. I go out to meet her train coming in. Her father phones me up, he's found out about everything, he's coming down to collect her, he hates my guts, he's sending her druggy criminal uncle over to the train station to get her as soon as she arrives. I am in total and utter shock. She walks off the train giving me the nicest smile I've ever seen in my life. I tell her. She has a panic attack right there and then. I hug her for about two minutes and tell her that whatever her parents throw at us we can face it together. We walk up to her uncle. He takes her away from me. I don't even get a kiss. I go back home and cry.

Feb 15th, I phone up her house, her dad answers, I'm not welcome anymore, he's going to be having words with her. Her dad puts the phone down. Her little sister sneaks on MSN and talks to me, she thinks what her parents are doing is wrong, she tells me her mum is trying to make Anna believe I only wanted her for sex. I tell her if I only wanter her big sister for sex I'd have been gone a month ago. She takes the news well. Her big sister (The middle one, who's a bitch) bullies what I told her out of her. This will come back to bite me in the ass.

Next week is coursework week. it's also Joe is a Fucking Wreck week. Lucky I didn't have any lectures eh?

Thursday: The first day Anna is back at school after her exam leave, I've arranged with her friends to call them on a mobile and speak to her. She doesn't want to speak to me, she hangs up on me. I have a mental breakdown right there and then.

Friday: Her mother phones my mother up, says Anna wants to break up with me.

Saturday: All my friends get an email from Anna saying that we'd broken up and Anna is changing her MSN address to sever all ties with me. My closest friends are initially dumbfounded but after hearing what she has to say they think it's for the best, that our relationship is so broken it'll never be right again. None of them tell me what she said.

Sunday: I spend the whole day wishing I was dead.

Next weekend: My folks come up to Glasgow specially to see me. We eat at an Italian. My brother's put on a lot of weight, he's applying for Creative Writing at university next year. We go to the Student Union together, he tells me I should learn to relax around people, that I'm too tense and uncompromising in social situations. I don't know myself anymore.

First weekend of March: My best friend and another friend come down from Aberdeen to see me for a few days, it cost them £50 each. Good friends. I talk with the not so close friend Craig on the friday night, he has a shit family situation, his dad beats him and his mum up whilst drunk. I offer him a place to stay for summer if things get too mental. He cries tears of gratitude. First emotive response I've ever seen from him. I hug him. We don't speak again that night. Saturday night, I talk to my best friend about his sexuality. I tell him I will always be there for him. I give him a quite enthused and very from the heart speech about differences and how some jacked up people can't accept them. I kiss him on the forehead, we join my other friend and go to sleep. He's sixteen, he's a very very pretty young man. Can't imagine why he never had a girlfriend before.

I get through March somehow, I miss most of my lectures but manage to catch up on the work and even attend a good majority of seminars. I miss her.

Final weekend of March, I go up to Aberdeen one last time before the Easter Holidays. I stay at my best friends, we're very close all weekend. I like playing with his hair. I miss her like hell but I deal with it. I have a fun time. I go back and board the train to Stafford for my Easter Holiday.

Easter is boring, not much goes on, I revise for impending exams mostly but can't seem to work up much enthusiasm about it. I miss her. I start flirting with my best friend more and more, it's fun and he's a lovely guy. And so pretty too.

First weekend back in Glasgow after the Easter holidays. Best friend comes round my flat alone, we both have a tired day on friday, lots of lying on him and just talking, read a lot of comics. I buy the first Sandman book. I love that series, spend nearly £200 on it during the next few weeks. Comfort spending. We sleep in the same bed on Friday due to a dare from me, he's still in a sleeping bag though. I'm the flirtiest bastard on the planet, don't blame him. Saturday we wake up VERY late, go to a restaurant named Ichibans, I'm a total anime/manga geek and this is the first time I've ever tasted Japanese food. Proper. Japanese. Food. I am in love. We go back to my flat. I realize I may have sexual feelings for my best friend, and even more scarily he may have them back. I don't want to move on them. Not this soon. I'm being fairly economical with these sentences ain't I? I ask a friend what to do, friend has no advice. We watch 300. I tell him I'm sorry and I'm scared and from here it just seems too easy to take out and snatch what I want. He asks me what that is, I offer to show him. We kiss. We kiss more. We make out. We get in bed together. We have homoerotic fun. I am NOT writing a sex scene here. We go to sleep in eachothers arms and wake up late again. We eat at Ichibans again, I'm spending too much money. He goes back on train to Aberdeen. I miss him, but I miss her more.

Tuesday of the following week: I get an email from Anna. I almost choke on my pot noodle. She wants to be friends, basically tells me she can't add me on MSN or Facebook because her parents are being scarily possessive and watching what she does. She doesn't mention the relationship or the breakup. I have a small scale breakdown again. Too. Fucking. Soon. My brother tells me in confidence later that night he'd been talking to her that wekend whilst she was drunk and she told him she can't get over me and resents herself for the way she treated me. Fuck. I have no idea what to do.

I tell best friend that what we had was just that, a night. We needed eachother and it was fun and it was lovely and I wouldnt have taken it away for the world but I'm too fucked up to commit to another relationship right now. He asks if he might have a chance in the future with me. I say it's very likely. I hate myself.

I do intensive revision for impending exams, the one I felt I did worst on I have most definitely passed so that's good.

I go up to Aberdeen yet again the weekend after the exams are over (Early May) we go to the cinema and see Coraline, it was a good date. We go back to his mothers not his fathers and we have sex. I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself. It was a good weekend.

He asks me a question while we were naked on that Saturday night, one which haunts me till I decide to act on it the next week. He says to me 'I love Joe, does Joe love me as much as I love him?' I physically react, pushing him away from me and breathing heavily like I've just had a heart attack. He apologises for being so forward. I was just that clingy when I was with Anna. I tell him it's alright. I hate myself.

The next weekend I decide to act on my romantic impulses. I ask him out over teh interwebz, he goes red with embarrassment and accepts. We start being all lovey dovey, I've acted chivalrously, I've acted honourably. I like myself and I have a damn beautiful boyfriend to match.

I go on camp the next week. It's fun to be out of the oppressive social atmosphere for a while, I don't find myself pulling my hair out every day or any of that shit. I feel great.

Deja vu? I guess I kind of still miss her, but I'm trying to get over it and I really really really like him.

I get back from camp, I have a kind of tan. I get prepared to go to Aberdeen for one last time before the summer holidays, it's about two weeks ago today I think.

I have a weird weekend at Aberdeen, my boyfriend seems rather hesitant around me and he manages to sleep for about half the time I'm there. When I try to get playful in his bed he tells me he doesn't want to because he doesn't like being so secretive in his fathers house. I wonder how his father would react? I slept with Anna in his house, I encouraged his son on the path of self discovery and I had sex with him, I don't think he'd appreciate me for it. It's not till Sunday that he tells me he's going through a really really insecure phase at the moment. I'm sad for him, I love him as a friend and maybe something more than that, I don't want to see him hurt or confused ever. We promise eachother even if we break up we'll always be friends. I leave Aberdeen with a heavy heart.

Last week: I ask him a few questions over the internet, he tells me he's now so insecure he doesn't know who or what he finds attractive anymore. I ask him if this means he's dumping me (stupidstupidstupid) he tells me he doesn't want to be in a homosexual relationship feeling so confused. I think I gave him the idea. I fight against it for a bit, I tell him I think we have a good chance, he pleads for me to give him the space he needs. I'm thoroughly depressed. I tell him I understand, his wellbeing is more important than mine, he says thank you and that we'll always be friends. I echo him and ask him if I stand a chance with him. He tells me only time will tell. I'm tired.

I come back to Stafford for the summer holidays, I'm totally miserable. I'm broke, I'm lonely, prospect of getting a job for the next few months is uncertain at best, I'm so fucking down at the moment that I'm blogging the last half year in some social networking site I only visit to check up on how well a friend is doing. She's probably going to be the only person who reads this, maybe a few others who don't need this shit. I'm crying now, I'm really really sad. I just want to feel wanted again. I want to have friends around me, I want to feel a warm body next to me, I want money enough to buy all the snacks and books and games I want, I want hearing back in my left ear (I may actually get that one) and I want to stop being so utterly terribly bored.

I'm sorry for being so emo, but the last part of my life hasn't been such a nice tale. I could take this forever but I think it's starting to affect me. This isn't a cry for help or anything like this, this is just a coping mechanism, a way of getting it out of my system, a way of justifying staying up a while longer and maybe because I want someone to read this and give a damn.

Which sounds ridiculous even as I write it, I know people give a damn. I have a whole contact list full of people who give a damn, there's three or four people in Aberdeen who give several damns and I have quite a few good friends in Glasgow. I don't know, maybe I'm being emo and selfish but this is from my heart and I decided to not delete a single word of what comes out of these typing fingers.

I'm sorry for subjecting you to this crap.

Thank you for reading, I hope you all have a very nice summer